Just What is On My Mind.

Lately I have been thinking about a disabilities again. I am at my Locksmith’s house and I finally have him cleaning his room!!!

I don’t know about you guys, but I really really don’t like cleaning! So how do you make a Autistic boy who has ADHD to clean his room? Slowly…. Much patience. And a lot of time. Diligence too.

Last week? I started with just making his bed. Putting on sheets, changing pillowcases, and putting on his comforter. It took us 45 minutes. The next day? 30 minutes. The next? 5 minutes.

Today? 2 minutes. XD I finally made it into a game. We first put on the sheets (he takes them off CONSTANTLY), and then to put on his comforter, we shake and shake the blankets (he has two) and he laughs the entire time. He has THE best laugh EVER!

This week? We moved up to cleaning his room entirely. And 45 minutes clean up time happens again -_-….. I had him put his laundry into baskets, toys in toy box, and of course make his bed!  First time around?? I didn’t make it a game… Hence the 45 minutes of struggle. Today? I got a basket and put it across the room and a pile of clothes on the other side. I told Mr. Locksmith “Time to clean up your clothes” and he gave me the “Woman you better leave me alone, I already made my bed look” (Priceless by the way! Though..  frustrating at the time.) I took a shirt and threw it into the  basket (Yes. Amazingly enough I can throw! TY softball!) and yelled in excitement to make it look like fun. I then talked to my Locksmith, “Why don’t you try?” Still not interested… -_-. I do it three more times, then he gets into the mood. 😀 TYG! And from that point I cheered each time we (His turn, my turn, his turn, my turn) “put away” the clothes. Yes… By the time we finished it looked more like  a pile of laundry then “clean and nice” but you know what? That is okay.

It took 10 minutes in all. XD

I know I want to help out with kiddos who have disabilities. It is VERY trying at times, but it makes me so happy whenever they start doing things! I see too much potential in these kids and people don’t seem to see it. Makes me sad.

In retrospect? Yeah.. He doesn’t know how to clean without me there, it is a such a small task compared to everything else… But It makes me happy he is starting to listen.

It makes me wonder how I can better communicate. Asking them to communicate on our level can be nigh impossible, but I definitely have the ability to adapt and learn how to communicate with them on theirs.

Accomplishments, Worries, and Supports.

So, Now I am 18. Well… Almost 18 ½. Time has slowly gone by but it is weird that so much time has passed!!

I am not feeling the best right now – I have let a lot of things get to me lately and well… Now is the time to get it out of my head! I guess summary of achievements I have accomplished over the last 6 months will but a good start.  And maybe just things that have blessed me too.

1. I am now a certified CNA!
2. I am now officially a college sophomore!
3. I was able to apply to the college I have been going to for 2 years -_- (I have to say… that was a bit odd…)
4. I have graduated from High school!
5. Slowly figuring out this… “adulthood” thing. (Anyone want to direct me to the “You are 18 now, do not make little mistakes anymore” class… Cause I think I slept through it in Senior year.)
6. I now have a “Paul”  (Someone in the Bible I have looked up to because he was such a good teacher!)  Though.. Being a girl, thankfully my Paul is actually a “Paul-etta”.
7. My Friends, are there to help me.
8. My Locksmith has been cleaning his room!!! XD (Autistic boy w/ ADHD who has never cleaned his room before!)
9. I have been laughing and smiling without forcing!
10. My church is amazing.
11. God has been speaking to me in so many ways!

Now.. I need to get the things I am anxious about off my chest, mind, being, whatevs.

1. Occults – Long story. (But not joining or being in one – just knowing people who have been though and where they are today because of it.)

1. Getting a Job – Am I really mature enough to do this? Because babysitting has been the highlight of my career thus far! O.O

1. Staying positive – Whenever I make mistakes, not instantly going into the “I-am-a-failure-mode”.

1. Staying off anti-depressants – I really don’t want to put anti-depressants on my applications for jobs…

1.  How to get closer to God – Being a servant, not just a leader. So. Hard.

1. Staying. Away. From. Caffeine! Mount Dew – NRG drink – and Arizona Tea, NOT good to have in one day….!

1. How to stop attracting creeps! (Yeah… Tired of stalkers, major immaturity problems, and mental issues……..)

1. Getting sleep BEFORE 1 am in the morning… I am exhausted! (Yeah yeah, quitting caffeine will definitely help… But only did I start that AFTER I couldn’t go to bed at night… the never ending cycle!)

1. Getting a Car.. It would be nice to have a job.. but even nicer  to have a car!!!

1. Spiders. ‘nuff said. *shiver*

Philippians  2(especially 2:14), Proverbs 3: 5-6, and Philippians 4:6– DEFINITELY helpful right now!

Showing Up and Showing Off.

 This relates to my growth in becoming more like “Mary”.

I was in  Wednesday night worship one day, thinking of everything I needed to do, why people did things they did, anything but worshiping myself. My thoughts turned back to a conversation I had with my mom, and how sometimes we go through periods of time where we need to step back a just spend time with God, of course Mary and Martha was brought up but one thing my mom said was, “I read this one verse and it basically said, Are you truly listening to what I am saying?”

Like I have said before, it is truly truly hard for me to do that. So I decided to clear my mind, and thank God for everything I could… And for me and the type of brain I have, that lasted a good minute – so I did what my pastor tells us constantly, call on the name of Jesus. Sounds weird, eh? So All I did was sing the song, I forget the name of it though, and continually repeat “Jesus” in my mind.  Eventually ever little detail happening in the church faded away. I could feel this peace come over me and I felt like I had to lay it all down. So I got to my knees and did just that.

Like I have said before… I see things sometimes. Like many other times, I see this chasm with a single plank crossing over to the other side… I am very afraid to go over it. And I noticed someone in my peripheral vision but I ignore whoever it is because I am so focus of crossing this plank. But I stumble and almost fall… The person catches me and carries me away from the chasm. He tells me it isn’t safe to cross yet. But I want to cross so badly. He says why don’t you just rest for a while? And enjoy the view? I have not finished the plank yet, and if you cross now, you will never make it! I look at the plank more closely and it is rotting. That scares me even more… He just laughs and says so many people never stop long enough to see my work before crossing… He points around, the walls are craved into intricate patterns and I sit and listen to Him as He works. He shows me his work as He talks and the plank is now in my peripheral vision, and He is in the Center laughing like a Joyous kid…

 

You know… it was so quick this moment can I couldn’t really see His face, but I knew He was glad I was paying attention. To me, that plank is me trying to work my way to the other side, like Martha. But I never have taken the time to be like Mary and listen to man in my Peripheral Vision. I want to fix things, but whenever we are in His presence, we notice it is not us fixing things but Him.

 

I can’t really explain very well how everything correlates to something I am dealing with… So a summary will have to do.

We can focus on Following God, doing good things, reaching our own goals, But if we do not take the time to worship and notice our Craftsman’s workmanship around us and in us, We might as well fall into a chasm because we did not take the time to let Him fix the rotting plank; or even just be in His presence show His can show off to us. He like that.. Showing up and Showing off… Did you know that?

Growing up to Become More Like HER…. Mary that is.

It has been a long time since I last wrote. Life has been better than in the past. I am proud to report – I no longer want to harm my Ex but still cringe when I see his family. I think I am slowly learning to let it go. I can’t wait until everything stops hurting though.

But I really don’t want to talk about that. Sometimes it is okay to move past things and learn other concepts.

So I turned 18! I had a blast at my party – mainly because I was able to just hang-out with people I really enjoy being around. J But Since January I think my new phrase that accompanies me EVERYWHERE is “You’re 18 now, grow up.”  It is difficult to grow up… I know some things I do is very childish, but part of growing up IS making mistakes but whenever I hear “Y18GU!” I feel beat down – I have tried but I feel like when I do – something gets in the way!

Needless to say – Really don’t think it is possible to “grow up” quick enough. When does that bar just stay put? Hm?

Now, I guess I will add what I have been trying to learn as of late – spiritually that is.  

I have been drawn to so many passages, which is overwhelming – and because of that, I tend to not spend time with Daddy as much. Which of course leads to the vicious cycle of God trying to get your attention but you ignore Him anyways but then wins because you are at the point of exhaustion – Please say I am not the only one who feels this way!

Anyways… I guess where I am trying to get at is the story of Mary and Martha, Jeremiah 12:8-17, and Ezekiel 36:26 ( there are others of course… but you know… this post may never end if I talk about them!)

I have always been a Martha – busy preparing things, working somewhere, or keeping busy. I am nothing like a Mary – able to sit and listen to God and the words and promises He speaks – when we are still and have a heart of worship.

It is very difficult for me. I love helping, prepping, or feeling like I am accomplishing something. Sitting at the feet of God – is anything but that. I know God is calling me to be a Mary at the moment – and honestly… it scares me. He is constantly telling me to spend time with Him – But how can I? I have a feeling I have to give up some things I do at the church, things I do in my daily life in order to follow what God is commanding. Giving up working at the church is like taking the oxygen I breathe. O.O I can’t even sit for 10 minutes reading the bible let alone pray without going down a bunny trail. It scares me that I am going to fail. If I stop being a Martha, then I will never become a Mary and fall into a slump again because I lost who I am… So.. Yes I sound stupid and my fear is invalid… But right now – it feels valid.  In Ezekiel 36:26 it says:

            “Also I will teach you to respect me completely, and I will put a new way of thinking       inside of you. I will take out the stubborn hearts of stone from your bodies and give you    obedient hearts of flesh” (NCV)

This to me is a promise, that if I do follow God’s command, I will become a different, but better person. It is hard because stone? It is rigid. It doesn’t bent easily – and to me working hard makes me tougher and less venerable to being led astray. Flesh, it is malleable something that can be shaped easily and God wants to give me a heart of flesh? I don’t want to be weak. Yet in my weakness He makes me strong. I know that Ezekiel is trying to depict something else from this verse entirely, but this is what hit me. God likes the weakness that comes from flesh, because his glory can shine through it. If you hold a light to a rock, can you see through it? No, not normally. If you hold a light to your hand, light  will shine through. But you have to let it first.

This then brings me to Jeremiah 12:5-18.

            “If you get tired racing against people, how can you race against horses?… Many   Shepherds have ruined my vineyards and trampled the plants in my field. They have     turned my beautiful field into an empty desert. … They are ashamed of their poor harvest       because the Lord’s terrible anger has caused this….” (NCV)

This is not the entire 13 verses but the points that stand out to me. I think about whenever I do house work, I get super exhausted; Martha had to feel the same way. Because Martha went on her day trying to get things in order and didn’t take the time to spend time with Jesus, she must have become weary; if I in the same way, do not spend time with God, then how will I be able to race against people or the “horses”. If I don’t take the time to spend with Jesus, how do I know what I say is from Him? I might as well be the Shepherds that ruin God’s fields. I am ashamed of my poor “harvests” because I feel inadequate to be a bringer of the Good News. I DO NOT want to be Mary. I don’t. But if  don’t… How will I ever grow? 

Time to Trust, Time to Grow, Time to Walk Away, Time to Stop writing Time….

Oh where to start… I think I will start with time.

Time is short but then it gets longer and longer and then it is back to going at neck breaking speed. Then it slows down whenever you want it to go faster and seems to make classes go on forever!!!

I go to school 5 days a week now… Huge transition for a Homeschooler with flexible time schedule, to a program that combines High school with college with an extremely rigid schedule (If I had a nickel for every time I hear “You’re still in high school? You must be smart!” I would have about $5.00, Maybe I should change it to $1,000 every time…. Back on track. ).

Overall, it has been a challenging transition. Trying to figure out where you “fit in” being only 17 in a 20+ world, isn’t as hard as it seems. It has it challenges and I pray quite often I don’t turn into some of these 20+ year olds. Overall, I am still a high school student, but as far as my college classmates are concerned, I am a college student. The age gap isn’t that hard to handle, okay maybe a like bit when you know the “cute guys” are wayyy older than you… Yes, I do think guys are cute – girl here, but not the “I just like totally die like whenever he like swishes his hair like that” May my friends schedule an intervention if that EVER happens. Outta horror land now… Back on track… I do have a point here. Somewhere.  Thankfully, in this college environment my fellow classmates that attend the same program I do, are at the college too.

Time. Back to time. Time, is a measurement. 5 days in school, years between you and students, and the time we have yet to experience.

Lately? College has been really hard place to be at. Don’t get me wrong, I am taking nursing classes, a biology class, and a psychology class (ALL science related class. I LOVE science and English. Weird mix, but it is true.)   And midway through February I get to hopefully start clinicals!!! It is the people that is making kind of difficult.

In biology, there is this German Gal who has trouble comprehending a few basic things we are learning, and she speaks five different languages (So cool!!!). But she asks a lot of questions, which I don’t honestly mind at all (she asks amazing questions sometimes!), it does get a little annoying at times though. But I am even more annoyed by the immaturity of my fellow classmates. They will cuss her out behind her back – it is brutal and extremely unprofessional. I called someone out one day on it – age difference here is annoying, she could’ve been my mother – now she gives me the dirtiest looks (Which I don’t mind. I think I am immune to it by now.). I am glad I did it, but I can’t change everyone else’s opinions. I know I am not in this place to change people – nor should that be my goal. But just because my German classmate isn’t American doesn’t mean she can’t understand your loud whispers, exasperated sighs, and body language.  I make it a point to say hello to her, and today I helped her and another classmate I am tutoring in class. I think as long as my actions do not reflect that of my classmates, I will be secure in who I am and what my character is/should be/will be. Hopefully, someday my classmates will somehow see that.  

In nursing, I have a chica (graduated from HS) treating me like I am an imbecile. It honestly sucks. Especially whenever your fellow program high school student who has started to become your friend is enthralled with her. In this situation, I have no idea how to handle it. I know eventually I will learn everything I need to know, and I am extremely confident in this. Taking someone’s BP and pulse is probably one the toughest things for me right now and Chica laughs whenever I do things wrong. I don’t know if I am embarrassed by it as much as it angers me. They go off on their own ways now, which helps in a way – I learn a lot more being with different people, but I think I am still in the process on how to let things go. Getting better at it! And that is an entirely different post I am going to have to create.

In Psychology? Amazingly enough it has little to no conflict. I might die from boredom, the Professor is extremely monotone, but other than that – it has been free of “those” types of people.  

Oh and of course there is the Ex that attends the same college, but that is another story too.

Until then and this semester ends. I am clinging onto my Bible verse.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight. Proverbs 3: 5-6

I guess right now, in this season of life, I need to trust I am in the right classes. That everyone in them is there for a reason, just like me. And if I continue to acknowledge Him, somehow in some way everything will fall into place, and my life will begin to bud soon. 

They Aren’t Mistakes… You’re Just Ill Informed, Moron.

You do not know how many times I hear the word mistake tied to the word disability. People are imbeciles. Okay. Maybe that is how they come across in my mind. Really? They are just ignorant and/or naïve.

People with disabilities, they bring a lot of joy in my life. My cousin, people that go to my church, or simply a special kiddo playing at a park, they all bring a smile to my face.

I was having a conversation with my Great Grandmother, who I think will outlive me and my grandchildren, had a conversation one day about my future.

I told her I wanted to go into nursing and that I wanted to work with kids who had cancer with disabilities. Yes, it is extremely narrow, and I know right now, with the CNA program I am in, I will only be helping elderly patients. A tad bit disappointing? I will not lie, absolutely. But I have no experience, and being picky now? Would probably be one of the cockiest mistakes that I will EVER make. If I can’t treat the elderly with an open heart, how am I supposed to treat children?

 Back on track. My Great Grandma, said she would love to treat people with disabilities too, except for those who “couldn’t talk”.

Meaning Autism.

For her, I guess having patients who couldn’t communicate with her would be absolutely a nightmare, seeing that she is a psychologist (“Release your negative energy” I was told one day while playing a game, that I was losing badly.), Still? I made me sad. People with disabilities are all awesome in my book.

But it makes me extremely frustrated, because of a couple of reasons. One? These people, who are below human standards of intelligence, as we know it, are looked down upon. One look at the pointed eyes, and obese child triggers the baby talk to a 21 year old. Sure, Down’s means that a majority of the time they don’t pass the mental age of 5, it does NOT mean, they can’t understand normal speech. Brainiac. Yes, a level of compassion is needed, and yes, sometimes simpler speech is used. That doesn’t mean they won’t comeback at you like lightning with a witty remark or an insight of life that you have forgotten with your/our adult age.

Two. A disability has become a medical term and something that needs to be fixed while a baby is still cookin’. (Oh… Absolutely dislike the term “fetus”. Again, stupid medical terms.)

I don’t know where I stand on genetics. Honestly. God created us and knew us before we were in the womb. But who is to say He didn’t plan for someone to eradicate extra chromosomes?  Simply put? I think there are cons and pros to each “side” of this issue.

There is this one kid at my church, I call him my Locksmith (He LOVES to try to unlock, locked doors).  He brings a smile to my face almost every week; except for days they aren’t there. My locksmith has severe autism, but I KNOW he is beyond smart. He can be manipulative, ornery, and a joy.  His laugh? Is angelic. But not many people stop and take the time to communicate with him. The raise their voice, “I SAID HI!” and it takes every ounce of my entire being not start talking to them like THEY are the children. Instead, calmly and sadly with authoritative maturity I explain to them he has autism. Most the time? I get the “Oh he knows how to talk, he just hasn’t been pushed hard enough” attitude or response.  At which point I want to tell them, “Oh he can communicate (sign language), you are just too blind *cough* and stupid*cough* to see how.”

I guess I have no point in this post really. Other than I was going to write a research paper on the techniques used to help develop a stable and productive learning environment for children/adults with Down’s syndrome. Sadly, too many peer reviewed articles focus on the cancer, extra chromosomes, and severity of violence that these people have than the simple joys, achievements, and life lessons these special people bring. I have no resources, academically and free, to support my paper because the medical world is so bent on fixing the “wrong” in the world.

Do me a favor and go look in the mirror and then go fix the world. 

Bench Warmers and Simple (joyful) Goals

I have so many things going through my head right now… I think this post is just going to be an endless brain dump.

1.                 The Christian environment right now has put so much effort in my generation being the generation that stands up and starts being these warriors for Christ, that it frustrates me. I am happy we are getting support to be these young people of God that has this Faith that has no depth, but I look at the generations before us and I think… Isn’t time for you to take some of your own medicine?

I think about it and I go to the time when the Israelites were called out of Egypt. Because of the sins of the ancestors of the Israelites (and I am saying this broadly because my history and nitty gritty details on this is non-existent such as which sins, how long they were held captive, etc.) these people chained their children, children’s children, and future generations to, what seemed a never ending bondage. But whenever God finally heard the cries of His people, He didn’t just free the younger generations. He saved them ALL. It took the ENTIRE population to go forth, in faith and trust, and obtain the promises God was going to give to His people. The elderly, the in-betweens, the adults, the not quite yet adults, the young ones, and babes, they were all called to follow God in this depthless faith youth pastors, pastors, adults alike are now calling for amongst my generations.

It honestly makes me sad. Not many people from the older generations know what they are trying to instill in us. Are there some great pastors out there? Heck ya! My pastor/s are some of those people! But majority rules.

1. This brings me to the second biggest thing…. The youth at my church make up the majority of the people, teaching the word of God to the youngest of us all. Yes, we are trying to live the way the Christian world is trying revive, but the adults in my church? It saddens me. They are but bench warmers.(Yes.. I am being very cynical at the moment) Yeah sure, they have work. But if you have enough time to get your butts to sit on the pew, bench, luxury seats, or whatever on Sundays, you have enough time to help teach your children. It isn’t our job. It isn’t our job to tell your kids about Jesus (well… It is. But the parents of these children are the pastors during the week, volunteers? They should be seen as assistants during Sundays.). It is yours. It is not our job to show what God is like, while you listen to your pastor explaining how it is important to be examples of how Jesus is to your children while you’re in an entirely different room from them. Children’s Ministry is not a childcare service. STOP ACTING LIKE IT IS and STOP warming the benches.  (Okay.. Maybe I have some strong feelings on this? Huh?).
2. I am tired. I think wisdom is a burden. I think holding my tongue, though it is extremely good in the long run, hurts. Most of all? I hate losing friends. I realized today. I am going to be graduating alone. A majority of my friends? They aren’t graduating yet, and my Ex, though he was going to become a “super senior” was going to have a graduation party with me. I opted out of graduating with my Highschool because the program I am in, means I don’t ever really see my graduating classmates, so why pretend I am a part of the class of 2013, if I don’t even have any connections with them?  I was homeschooled up until 9^th grade, so I guess the thought of graduating alone should be fine. There are churches that have graduations for homeschoolers, but again. No connections. My ex? He was the only other senior in my church. My senior year? It should be full of excitement for the end of school and beginning this new life!!! Which it does, in a lot of ways. But I am dreading the time whenever I graduate.
3. I need to end this on a happy note. My goals in life right now are.
   1. Get my CNA license (Which I will hopefully have once I graduate. XD)
   2. Go to Kenya. (Has been my dream since I was 9.)
   3. Get my RN. (Hopefully working with mentally disabled children or children with cancer.)
   4. Return to Kenya.
   5. Get my BSN and maybe become a Nurse Practitioner. (These two are Ifish)
   6. And above all, follow God through it all. (Getting married? Having Kids? That is somewhere in there.)

 

 

So maybe not an endless post… My mind is still full….. Eh, I wouldn’t want to be an empty blonde, now would I?

The Christian “F” Word

In Church yesterdayish, our Associate Pastor (AP) spoke on the Christian “F” word.

You know the word, Forgiveness. (Scare you there? I hope so. )

I am not a “good” Christian in this area. At. All. I really have a hard time forgiving other people. Sure, I can say I forgive them, but boy my heart is in the W.R.O.N.G. place. (See what I mean about cons vs. pros?). I guess it is good recognizing your issues, right? Even though it is really painful? (Yes… I am still trying to figure out if I like seeing that plank in my own eye.. Hm.)

Anyways…. AP took a passage from Leviticus 21 (no… You can skip over the burning of young girls who disgrace their fathers… SCARY THOUGHT THERE!!! Just sayin’) ANYWAYS… Leviticus 21: 16-21 describes how Priests could not be in the presence of God if they had any defect or injury. (Thankful for the New Covenant yet? I hurt myself just walking into the Kitchen….) Even though this info seems out of date, It hit a chord whenever it gets translated into spiritual wounds.

We all have them. At least, I know I have them, AND I am everyone! (Sarcasm… Downside of txt… It doesn’t translate well… :/)

For me, ONE of my wounds has to do with the Christian “F” word.  Long story short? My relatives, they hurt me with their words to the point I still hold a grudge 11 years later (I am 17). Because I have never let it go, and never confronted these wounds, I am having major issues of holding grudges against my Ex and his family.

The hardest part for me is recognizing the wrong they, my relatives, have committed against me and letting it go. I have let the wounds of my relatives fester and rot over time, because I have never taken the time to heal (stubborn much? Yep! I blame my parents for that gene!).  The healing process for me makes me feel weak and venerable. I don’t like being that way.  I tried healing myself, that ended in me boxing up whom I was and becoming an emotionless person (I am not joking).

This is where my Ex’s (Ex + Family) come in. They in essence did the same thing to me that my relatives did. And I have been finding myself looking into that gaping abyss I created of who I was and still am. Going back to old habits of holding grudges, playing scenarios in my head of what would happen if I open my mouth and just let all my hurt be dumped on the Ex clan. It has gotten to the point my own laugh is foreign to me, my smile but a cool trick my face can do. I feel myself slipping. And it scares me to the point of wanting to die. But that is a totally different battle I am fighting.

Back to Leviticus, these wounds I have? They are preventing me from experiencing who God has created me to be. It makes me so angry. I see the people whose lives are so consumed by bitterness and un-forgiveness and I see myself, now, turning into them.

In short, I have to start practicing this “F” Word concept. I know that this will not heal overnight (But you know Father, I am okay with a quick patch up, if that is okay with you?).  Between you and the persons reading this, I want to change.

Over these last few months, years even, I have witnessed people who willingly decide to give up on growing and not realizing that perfection is only skin deep (fine… nonexistent, but skin deep is just to cool to pass up writing….). They don’t have the ability to see their faults, or do, and can’t or won’t try to fix anything.  I do not want to be that person. No matter how hard life gets.

It scares me, because I have no clue where to start. This abyss? Even though is a simple crack in my God’s eyes, seems like this chasm that is swallowing me whole.  And boy is the enemy loving to see me quaking.

My first step? Is going back to the scripture that will the beginning of the pillar of the person God is creating me to be.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him. And He will make your paths straight.

 Proverbs 3:5-6.

Proverbs 3: 11 is pretty helpful too…

Broken Pots, Broken Hearts

I know that my world, in your eyes by now is probably, dang she complains too much. I know that would be my thoughts reading my posts. I am not normally a person who has this much drama in her life.  Yes, I have had my hard seasons, from surviving cancer when I was 2, too getting out of a relationship that truly was just a Disneyland trip, doesn’t mean that I am always like this.

Have you ever been behind the scenes at Disneyland? No? Let’s say it isn’t pretty, out front it is wonderful. But on the inside? It is a depressing sight. I have come to realize:

1.  I am WAY too young to be at a place learning to be a submissive wife and giving up on my dreams.  I know I am capable, I know that I can do it. But let’s face it, sometimes (Not all the time) Males don’t grow up quick enough and giving up my dreams now to wait on someone else who isn’t ready? Not good.                                                                                                                                                                                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. I AM FREE! Whenever I had to break up with my Ex it was very awkward and painful especially when you are the girl leading in the relationship (Run, Baby, Run!). I will give one props to the kid, at least on one point. He defined me as a Flower in a pot. I didn’t think much of it then, because my stomach and heart were trying to strangle me.  But it got me thinking today, almost a week later.

(A little background?) I have been feeling really down because in this whole process, what I didn’t realize then but do now is I have lost who I am; little by little, word by word, feeling by feeling. I am not that person people liked, I have multiple people ask me where I have gone. All I could do then was just smile and say life is hard, but I am dealing with it. Now? The weight of the world is gone, but there are many scars to heal. People say that I have a broken heart, yesterday I would have said heck to the no I am not that pathetic. Today? I am beginning to realize it…. I hate that.

Side track…. I can go on all day and write a novel about my faults, but when it comes down to writing my strengths… I can only manage a single list of 5 words, 20 if I sit down all day. THAT is one way to be a Daughter of the King *sarcasm*.

Where was I… SCARS! Yes.. Physically? I LOVE THEM!!! Call me crazy, but the scars (from cancer) I have now? They symbolize the life that I have been given!  Yeah, I am a girl, doesn’t make me the typical female ;).  Mentally? Spiritually? I am a broken mess. (You can find out more about that… with my other post The Christian “F” Word.)

The pot… Yeah.. My Ex was that pot, and I was the flower trying to grow inside. Have you ever gone to a Nursery and gotten those really really really cool plants called thyme? Or any kind of plant really. I just love thyme, especially the ones with elf leaves and the one that is lemon scented. Sorry, back on track. Whenever you buy these plants, and take them out of their little plastic packages, the roots? They are all crammed at the bottom, having nowhere to grow.  That was me. I tried my hardest to grow, but my Ex, no matter how hard he tried, could not get any bigger, being a hard clay pot. The only way to grow? To break out of that clay pot and find the ground that my Maker created me to be in.

Someday? I will find a pot to fit perfectly into, but until then. I will be with the rest of the wildflowers free to become, grow, fade, and grow again the way God wants me to.

Easier written than done, but somehow I will make it.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Oh! And Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Run, Baby, Run….

Okay, this has been my last month in a nutshell –I got back with my Ex (more on that later), only for his parents to start hating on my parents, his parents wouldn’t talk and mine wanted to, God continuously badgering me to break up with EX, parents FINALLY talk to one another, B A D conversation, Ex and I talked and I broke up with him, yet again. Run, Baby, Run.

Now… In earlier posts… Yes, God already told me to break up with my reinstated Ex. I can only narrow it down to me being stupid and sadly going down the path of livin’ and learnin’ because I wasn’t listening to God the first time  (Yep, I have contribute to the loss of faith in Humanity!).

Through it all, it was extremely hard NOT to bash his parents (And I mean to the point I was worried the little voices in my head were being heard by those around me). To sum it up…. I have named his parents the Ex-In-Laws. Yeah, sure… I didn’t marry my Ex, but if I were to marry him, they would be the world’s definition of In-laws. Which is very sad. Because I know they are fantastic people, they have been through a lot, but the situations I have been in with the Ex-In-Laws make me feel ancient, beyond my years, and tongue-less (biting my tongue constantly to the point I almost bit my tongue off in one case. Oh yeah!). And my Ex being a mommy’s boy, didn’t help matters much. (I have nothing against boy’s loving their mothers, but when you are in the gutter and there is no protection…. Yeah, may God have mercy on your soul!)

I honestly don’t know when I started dating my Ex. But I know how childish and carefree I felt before I did. It kinda makes me sad that I have changed a lot since my Dad gave me permission to date/court/whatevertheheckweweredoing. For the last couple of weeks, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, but the moment I said I was done, it was gone. I know I haven’t added any Bible verses this time around and that really bugs me, because there is so much I have learned over this last couple of weeks. Maybe in the future weeks I will post more in depth thoughts.  But one thing that I have learned is not to compromise. Not for your future, not for someone you like, and DEFINITELY NOT to compromise when it comes to in-laws. With that, a new catchphrase of mine is Run, Baby, Run. Because, in this last two days alone, not mentioning the entire month, I have learned, in some cases, it is okay to run, especially when God is telling you to.